(not so) random surfing has it's rewards...

ok, so between grad school, and the tail-end of a development cycle, I've been hemmed up for a sec. no time for deep thoughts - got stuff I need to get out.

it pays to surf:: taking a break from studying, I started looking online for information about how to obtain a carry-permit for a handgun in GA. So here's how it went:
Yahoo -> Clayton County (GA) Sheriff's homepage -> Clayton Cty's list of captured fugitives -> MY COUSIN?!?!
yes, I found my cousin - who is also my first boyfriend (ok, we're like 4th cousins by marriage only, and we didn't find out until AFTER we'd dated) on this list. I'm still debating whether to go see him, because he's still in jail. Actually, he's in a federal prison, about 4 hours away from me. I know why he's there, and to say he's a victim of a culture that dooms the underclass to remain that way, despite their desires for the "American Dream" is an oversimplified synopsis. I'll just say he's an intelligent brother, that got caught up.

Oh yeah, if you ever want to look someone up, to see if they're caught up, you can check the Federal Bureau of Prisons Inmate Locator

So, anyways - since it was SO easy to use Clayton Cty's website - I decided to check a few other municipalities - Dekalb Cty, Fulton Cty, Cobb Cty, etc. I won't bother you with the details - u can Google them. But here's an interesting twist:
yahoo -> Fulton Cty's Sheriff's office -> Fulton Cty Sheriff's inmate locator -> FL himself: my baby daddy
HOT DAMN - seems that after the sheriff woke my black a$$ up at 4:30am trying to serve the sperm donor his warrant (he gave Child Support Enforcement MY address), they went directly to his crib (I gave them HIS address) and picked him up for back child support. To the tune of $5 figures. Antyhoo - I won't see the 5 figures at all - BUT - they made his bond a % of that principle, and he couldn't get out until he paid it. Funny, he was out within 24 hours - which means he somehow HAD the cash, and chose not to pay...interesting.

So, my surfing got me a decent size reward, and a moral obligation. I feel almost obligated to see my cousin. It's been 15+ years, and ...well...I feel like my stumbling across his name on that list was no accident. It was God's plan, and I have to see it through. And if it were not for that, I wouldn't have found about FL getting picked up (well, I wouldn't have found out so fast, or made sure my Child Support agent got the ball rolling to get me my $$$). I don't know how this whole thing will play out, but you know - I'll keep y'all posted.

Wish me luck. And if I have any volunteers to go with me to the prison - please holla (yes, the idea of visiting a prison - in another state - in the South - has me scared shitless).

balance

I was chatting with a friend of mine, about this dilemna that I've been confronted with repeatedly over the last few years. The gist of it (without the gory details) is that I'm a nurturing person (according to the friend), which draws people to me, especially people with problems.

The friend gently assured me, that I'm not wrong for wanting to distance myself from these people. That my wanting to keep those issues away from me was normal & healthy, and that they're drawn to me NOT because I reflect their issues, but because I'm self-possessed, and people are attracted to that about me. Thank you for that, you know who you are ;-)

Afterward, I thought about balance, and achieving that while being a nurturer, while maintaining my friendships, while still struggling as a human being to just continue to be, yanno? And I searched for something succinct to summarize what I was feeling. So here's my take - and someone else's interpretation::

But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear ~ 1 Peter 3:15
Each of us can make a difference in someone's life ~ Upper Room
Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Look to yourself, lest you too be tempted.~ Galations 6:1

Christian Fellowship Devotionals also includes additional devotionals about balance

The Musketeer

Category IV - The
Musketeer

You have a small, highly edited social group, and
you like it that way.


What Type of Social Entity are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

why I'm driven

Not to engage in the pursuit of ideas is to live like ants instead of like men. ~fortune cookie, but Originally Mortimer Adler

It's more than the $ (I really don't make that much), more than the stuff the $ buys...it's the growth, and the challenges the growth presents. Knowing that, continually acknowledging that, I can endure the pain that comes with the growth.

More than we could ever ask for...

I considered starting a new blog, for spiritual posts. But I have enuff trouble maintaining this one lil 'ole blog. Besides, my spirituality means a great deal to me, it should be an integral part of my life, so why not incorporate it into my daily blog?

Note:: these spiritual posts prolly won't be daily. I'm trying to get better about my talks with God, but that doesn't mean I'll always share them with YOU ;-)

Anyway, today's devotional::

Ephesians 3:20-21: "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory."

I've been asking for a lot lately, because I've needed a lot - those of you who follow this page know what I've been whining about. Problem was, I was asking the wrong people (or asking people in general) - and my pleas were going in the wrong direction.

I had to learn, the hard way, who I need to rely on, and where my comfort comes from. He sent someone to talk to me for Him, since I wasn't listening to Him directly (thank you, Impervious). The funny thing is, as soon as I accepted that it comes from Him, my tears dried up. He resolved my problems, the superficial ones I was crying about, and the not-so-superficial ones I didn't necessarily want to admit to. I'm a work-in-progress though, but I know who to turn to when I need help.

The author's note:: God wants to give us even more than we ask for.

the age of mediocrity

Yes, I'm a new MBA student. Yes, I'm an African-American Woman. No, the two ideas DON'T conflict with each other.

This is one of my professors:
Alok Srivastava, Ph.D. He teaches Business Analysis, Decision Science, and some other classes. However, he's got this quote that he uses - I don't know if this is his, or he's quoting someone else (I'll check & post later), but I love it:

The 20th Century was The Age of Mediocrity. There was much focus on simulating, ,copying or emulating the average, the normal...leading (in business, or in general) to everyone becoming average.

The idea, is that the 21st century is about innovation & best practices - finding new processes of creating value, since the process of reengineering competitive advantage has shortened, and become somewhat standardized.

Even though he's a Business Professor, he's got some alternative thoughts on Competitive Advantage - like it shouldn't be a secret: if only u know that u have a competitive advantage, then how can u prove u have it? once u release it, whatever it is, it's no longer secret - u MUST share it in order to use it. I'm pretty sure 1/2 the class checked out mentally after that one...

He also lectured (briefly) about Academia, and it's aloofness to the common person & the ordinary. His thought was that he would try to publish pieces that the average person could understand. His colleagues didn't agree: if the publication isn't esoteric, complicated and impossible to understand, they feel it doesn't have academic value. if it's impossible to understand, it automatically has merit. I was mentally agreeing, thinking: Isn't the idea to reach those you wouldn't normally reach?

ETA:: yeah, the Age of Mediocrity isn't his, but there are some interesting reads out there:

Mad Dog & The Golden Age of Mediocrity
Howard Hampton's Magical Mediocrity Tour

or u can Google it urself ;-)

embracing positivity

I'm taking a short blog break. My head has been immersed in negativity lately, and I feel like by writing about it, I'm feeding it - creating more negativity, so more negativity is coming my way. My logic may be faulty, but if I need to change my mental state to stop focusing on the negative, this works for me. Confused? Ok, you can always look here - Rant - I revisited this ExAcT same scenario today - like Karma coming back to me.

So, in an effort to stave off that negativity, I'm offering positive affirmations, until I can write about something positive. Corny, maybe - but I gotta do something in the interim. And I believe this may help - that's all that REALLY counts, right? That I believe...

So, today's positive affirmation:

Today I celebrate this journey called life. I am grateful for all those who are on the path with me and assist me in so many ways to discover my true nature. Thank you, God, for all the events of my day.

Thank you to those assisting me in discovering my true nature, and thanks to those allowing me to share - u know who u are and I appreciate u.

rinsing my balls in the sink, NOT!!!

ok, I just used that as the title to get your attention, and as a homage to a friends blog: Rinsing My Balls in the Sink

I'm not really rinsing my balls - I don't have any.

OK, let me just get to the point.

I broke up with JC. Permanently.

I'm SO not ok with that at the moment. My heart hurts.

My brain knows that it will get better.

That's all I want to say about that.

As for my other balls (juggling, not rinsing). I'm dropping them. I am a one-man woman. That one man is gone. I'm not actively looking for his replacement. And I have no intention of spreading myself thin in the interim.

I'm gonna go cry now...

a day in the (real) life...

for those of you not well versed by now, the fantasy version of this page is here:
a day in the life. The reality follows...

5:00am:: The alarm goes off. I'm supposed to get up, to get my workout on, but I'm too tired, so I turn the tv on, and turn it off, then roll over and try to snooze, while keeping one ear open for the newscaster to say...

6:00am:: I get up, and try to get in a quick shower, before...

6:07am:: my son wakes up...he's a very light sleeper, and the sound of the shower wakes him up. Depending on his mood, he may turn the tv on to Noggin, or Discovery kids, and then start asking me for some juice - even if I'm still in the shower. Or he may clown me, and beg for an a$$-whuppin, which will force me to discipline him, and make him go back to bed. With him, you never know.

6:25am - 7:00am:: Hopefully, I'm done showering and getting juice (for now), and have a bead on how bad morning traffic will be. It's ALWAYS bad, just varies by degree. I pull on sweats, because my son is now determined to get dressed, and it's quicker & easier to oblige him then get him to wait until I get dressed. So, I get him dressed, face washed, teeth brushed (is always tricky) and settled down enough so that I...

7:00am - 7:45am:: can get dressed, and get my hair together. This includes ironing, finding unrun pantyhose, etc. I'm out the door, and at son's school by 7:45.

7:45am - ????am:: It's Atlanta traffic, so I just never know. My commute is 30 miles, but I can only make it in 30 minutes at 3 am. Typically it's about 45, but if a tractor-trailer overturned anywhere...more on that later...

????am - 4:30/4:45pm:: oh I was SO sincere about the gig though - so the prev post was semi-accurate:
yes, I'm late for work - but for a (not-so)worthy cause. I spend most of my day, in pursuit of my never-ending journey of expansion of my programming skills. Yes, I love this part of being a geek. For the non-geekish, this is similar to cooking. See, as of now, I'm a biscuit maker of the programming world - trying to become a Executive Pastry Chef - they both know their way around some dough, but I'd rather make the Almond Croissants, ok? I do what I do very well - but I can always learn to do it better.

The part that I didn't capture was this: I'm a salaried employee, and my gig expects it's staff to put in 45-50+ hrs/week. I work with people who planned better than I. They eat, sleep, workout, socialize, etc. at work. They're settled, married, and have someone covering them. So, they don't have to run home to meet the daycare center bus. Hubby will pick up the kids, so they can work late. Or mom lives with them, and helps out. In any event, my boss is as understanding as he can be under the circumstances, but trust - my late arrival, early departure jawn has been noted. I'm hyper-aware of this everyday that I leave before 5:30pm.

4:30/4:45pm - ???pm:: the commute revisited. I alluded to this, but here's the drill: A tractor trailer loses its load somewhere on I-285 (Atlanta's halo - it's an interstate highway that circles the city proper, is about 60 miles in circumference, and whose traffic is hellacious on a good day). The impact of the accident is that traffic is basically f%^&ed anywhere within a 30 mile radius of I-285, from say 3pm until 6ish? Add some inclement weather, sunshine/sunset slowdown or the fact that it's Friday, and you have chaos and anarchy. My 30 minute commute has officially turned into 2+ hours.

5:31pm:: my son's schoolbus is miraculously NOT affected by traffic.

6:00pm - 7:15pm:: I argue with the daycare center about when/where I can pick him up, and how much they will end up charging me in late fees. $5/minute? $10/minute? $40 flat fee? Who knows - I just know that I probably won't be able to afford it. But I can't afford not to - with no living family members, and no reliable friends that can help, I'm at the mercy of whatever they decide to do. This is a long story and I won't trouble you with details - let's just say that they're partially culpable for the 7:15pm time frame. And my son's drop off time is SO not negotiable.

7:15 - 8:45pm:: quality time? yeah, right. It's al I can do to try to cook, help with homework, clean a lil, eat, then get to studying, as I aimlessly try to advance my career by pursuing my grad degree. I've been at this pace for a while, since I just finished undergrad, and it seemed like the smart thing to do, to go back while I stillwas familiar with the pace, and had the information semi-fresh in my mind. I'm already regretting it.

8:45 - 9:00pm:: I pass out in a chair in the living room, book/laptop in my lap. My son joins me, by crashing on the couch.

12:00pm/1:00am:: I wake up, and try to finish studying, cleaning, washing clothes, something. I wake son up, and put himto bed, then drag myself in also. I fall unconscious, and sleep fitfully - the pressures of the coming day already upon me.

5:00am:: I begin again...

I posted all this, because I'm frustrated. The commute is killing me, my support system is non-existent, and ....I dunno it's hard for me to get anyone understand. This was my day, today. I argued with the daycare, again - ended up in tears in my car, because I'm simply so frustrated about this, and have been for so long, that I just don't know what to do about it.

Did I mention that my son is handicapped? Integral to this whole thing, but That's for another post though...

I have to finish studying...

the perfect shoe

I'm looking for this shoe. This perfect shoe. The shoe that will match the perfect outfit. The outfit that will perfectly adorn me. See, I've been looking for this shoe for a long time, and I've accumulated quite a few shoes in my search for this shoe. I think I found it.

Thing is, I'm not sure. I haven't tried this shoe on, and it doesn't match anything in my wardrobe. Sure, I feel like I can fit this shoe in, there are some things that I have that this shoe will set off, but I'd still probably have to buy some things to match this shoe. I'd have to clean my closet, and weed out all the shoes that I'm no longer wearing, to accomodate this shoe.

But it is a really hott shoe.

That shoe is calling me. I don't want to answer, but I'm compelled. It's haunting me. When I go to bed, I think of the shoe. When I wake up in the morning, I think of the shoe. It's scary, this shoe obsession.

I called Nine West yesterday, and spoke with a representative about this nameless shoe. I tried to explain this shoe to her, but it was hard. So, I compared it with a named shoe, Alchamy. She put me on hold for a long time, and after conferring with their marketing department, who had helped get my shoe strategically placed in the August issue of Essence magazine (the Jill Scott cover), she came back to the phone and assured me that the shoe would be available sometime in September. She was very comforting.

I have this shoe. While this shoe is perfectly adequate, this shoe is not hott. It's a cute shoe, a fashionable shoe, a comfortable shoe - this shoe is not the perfect shoe. I've had this shoe for 31 days, and in order to get my money back, I have to return this shoe today. I don't know what to do - hold on to the not-so-hott shoe, and put the hott shoe out of my mind, or return the not-so-hott shoe, and wait for the hott shoe? What if they never make the hott shoe? What if I can't order the hott shoe? What if I get the hott shoe, and find out it's not that hott?

Maybe I should just return the not-hott shoe, rebuy it, and wait the hott shoe out...